It’s been a tough week.

I spent the first half of it with my stomach tied up in knots.

This wasn’t the post I had planned for this week, but it has been something I have been working on figuring out, and it’s been consuming my focus. I thought maybe writing it through instead of trying to ignore it would help.

Things with me are good. Calm, settled.

The kids are doing really well. Coops is sleeping through the night regularly. We finally found a car that fit the budget and fits the whole family in comfortably. The house renovations are back on track and we just booked in to have our delightful green carpet replaced. We have been working towards this for 2 years. It’s a huge expense and I think it was the trigger for the mini breakdown that’s been brewing.

The beginning of this year was difficult. Alex was struggling at school, and acting out as a result. I wasn’t sure yet how to help. We got hit from every angle with things we could never have expected, bills that came out of nowhere and were blindsided by some people who did some things I don’t think I will ever be able to understand. It turned our lives up side down.

I didn’t see any of it coming. We were happy, and excited about the baby on the way.

When the storm hit, it was months of only just getting through each week, budgeting down to the very last cent, going without while navigating life with a newborn.

For a while it seemed like every time we thought we started to see daylight, it was eclipsed by something new.

Being down to one income, I felt helpless.

I was in defense mode, dealing with everything that was thrown at us one at a time, and braced for the next and I was exhausted.

We seem to have come out the other end and while nothing much else good came out of what happened, Brent and I clung to each other to make it through and have come out so much stronger for it. Only now, I’m not really sure how to turn it off. To get out of battle mode.

I keep waiting for the next thing – I think I feel like if I’m expecting it, at least I won’t be caught off guard again. I am maintaining some kind of control.

What a ridiculous way to live. It’s making me crazy. I’m walking around with an umbrella up and waiting for it to rain!

Life works in ebbs and flows, I have no doubt that there will be more struggles. (or maybe there won’t, maybe the universe wanted to get out all the lows in one go!) Spending the good times waiting for the bad isn’t going to do a thing to stop them coming, but it is going to cause a bunch of extra stress and create a dark cloud over what should be ‘cocktails on the beach in the sun’ times.

I’ve been looking around for inspiration, something wise that someone said once that I can use to help change the way I’m thinking – the issue I’m finding with that is, other people can tell you things are going to be ok but unless you believe it yourself, your inner voice is louder than theirs any day of the week.

This has to come from me.

So much of what I’ve spent time worrying about in the past, the bad things that I have anticipated, never came to be. I have a whole book that has every worst case scenario in tough situations I’ve experienced noted down with a plan on how to deal if it played out. (It’s weird, I know. I like plans..)

I have invested so much time and lost so much sleep over things that never eventuated. I don’t want that anymore.

Inner voice, I think it’s time we took some more deep breaths, put away our umbrella and enjoyed the sunshine. 

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