I can’t look at another vegetable and I cant drink another millilitre of water and I can’t google “how many calories in” another single time.

I’m drinking liquid for breakfast and weighing bowls of yoghurt and I’ve started dreaming about bathing in cheese.

I know what it must sound like, but no, I’m not being tortured. I’m on a “healthy eating plan”. Ugh. 

I had another baby and somehow accidentally left the magical period of life where you can eat all the delicious things and never have to think twice about where it’s going to end up.

Now I so much as think about a piece of chocolate and my jeans won’t zip up and I swear my toes look fatter. Apparently this is life now. Green and bland and did you know that cream cheese isn’t a healthy snack option?!

Why now? This is the part of life with bills and being in charge of other humans lives. I have to remember to put petrol in our car so that I don’t break down in the middle of the motorway on my way to school visits (I mean, hypothetically. I definitely haven’t learnt this from experience…..). I have to know how much tax to pay and be aware of what the government is up to and think about life insurance and I have never needed 3 cheese macaroni and cheese for breakfast more in my entire life.

I asked the boyfriend to help me. To teach me how to eat better, to keep me on track when I’m considering leaving him for a life of cheese bathing. He makes me salads and cooks the vegetables when I can no longer bear to. He finds ways to trick me into thinking green stuff is delicious.

I love him, but I also hate him. Why isn’t he weaker? Why can’t I outrun him with the chocolate bar that I sneakily bought at the supermarket? Why isn’t he as fickle with his commitments to healthy living as I am? Why are all the good things in life (bacon) bad for me?

I hung my size 8 jeans up today, in my room where I can see them so I can look at them instead when I find myself looking longingly at the snacks I bought for the kids.

I can smell bread baking at the supermarket from the car two blocks away. This “healthy eating plan” has given me super human strength. It’s so slow though. I should be done by now surely. I’ve been hungry for about 27 years. At least it feels that way. It’s actually been 15 days.

I’m sorry for the rambling. I thought you should know what I’m going through. It’s not all bad. I found a semi healthy way to make pizza. It comes under my calorie allowance for dinner so that’s a win. It’s covered in vegetables, and the base is not really bread, but I can close my eyes and eat the little triangles and pretend it came from Dominos.

Sigh. It’s the smallest mini’s nap time. That means another 15 minute HIIT workout from the way too excited about sweating lady on Youtube.

Pray for me.

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