Today I don’t want to.

I feel depleted, gloomy and overwhelmed. I’m lying here, typing this, throwing a pity party for one. I know it’s self indulgent but I feel completely drained and I’m not really sure how to make it go away. My spark is missing.

I can hear the noise of the day starting outside my room. Brent is up with the baby, Alex has started his endless run of words for the day. I just need to lie here and entertain my misery for a little bit longer. Where no one can see how truly pathetic I am being, hiding in my too warm blankets, wallowing in my melancholy.

I just need a few more minutes before I get up to face the ‘what are we doing today’s and the ‘can I have a snack’s at least 14 times before my first coffee.

I don’t want to think of what to make for lunches or dinners, I don’t want to work out what the baby’s nap schedule will be today to fit in with all the things we have to get done. I don’t want to think about the piles of washing or the vacuuming downstairs that needs doing. The puppy needs a bath, the kids sheets need changing and I didn’t know you could be surrounded by so many little people and feel so alone and I don’t want to today. 

It’s just one of those days. I’m not unwell, nothing bad has happened. I just need a day. I don’t need cheer up Thai, or a pep talk, or a fun walk in the sun to clear my head. I don’t want to make a list of my feelings so I can let them go, or to google inspirational speakers to give me the motivation to get going. I just want to be in bed. Alone. To regroup. To recharge. To collect myself.

But, I am the mum.

I don’t get a sick day, I don’t get a ‘bed all day’ pass.

I don’t get to just not want to.

I have to get up, get smiley, and get going. And today, that is sucky.

Brent is wonderful, and he does so many of the things, and he makes my world go round when I can’t make it go for myself. But he goes to work, he wears the fancy work clothes that he feels put together in, he talks to grown ups about grown up things and he drinks real coffee and eats food that no one wants a bite of. He goes to the toilet alone, and he can leave the office with just his phone and his wallet and walk right out the door. He goes 8 whole hours without being touched or vomited on or accidentally touching another humans poo. He knows he is good at his job, his boss says thank you for his hard work, and he feels a sense of achievement at the end of a job well done. Today I envy those things.

Today I want an out of order sign on my door, but I don’t get to have one. So I will get up. And I’ll figure out what we’re going to do today, and I’ll make the lunches and I’ll plan the dinners and get the groceries and sort out the washing and bath the puppy and probably delegate the downstairs vacuuming.

It’ll be a great day.

Just need a few more minutes here..


One thought on “Out of Order

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