You will never be too much fire
For those meant to dance in your flames.
Circumstances of life have meant that I’ve recently found myself having to spend time with a group that I just don’t really fit with.
Stuck in an awkward middle where I am not yet where the older ones are, but past where the younger ones are, I feel out of place. Our passions, our beliefs, our senses of humour, our goals – none of them seem to align.
Trying to fit here where I don’t has left me feeling broken. In tears too often, wondering what is wrong with me.
I come away from encounters feeling drained. Anxious. Uneasy. Was I too loud? Too honest? Why don’t I dress better? Why is my laugh so loud? What is wrong with me that I feel like such an outsider here, even after all this time trying with this circle?
The feeling has been suffocating. Isolating. Overwhelmingly foreign. Being a stay at home mum has meant that there is more than enough to time overthink, over-analyse and agonise over this situation. I have found myself torn between the uneasiness after every attendance, wishing I’d not been invited, but hurting when left off the invite list – knowing it’s been intentional.
I’ve moved around a fair bit since high school ended. As a result, life has taken my friend group from quantity to quality.
I have spent time figuring out who I am, what I want, walking away from unhealthy relationships, and I have surrounded myself with an incredible support system. They have been my foundations when I’ve felt like life is crumbling around me. I have worked hard to build a life I am in love with.
To suddenly be launched back into questioning who I am, into wondering where I’m going wrong has been a throw back to my early awkward teenage years where I cared to much what other people thought and tried too hard, for too long to make things not meant for me, work. I thought for sure that I was past this version of myself.
Some (many) hours spent crying recently, some pep talks with my previously mentioned foundations, and some steamy baths with thunderstorm bath bombs to clear my head have led me to the following conclusion, and some peace over the situation. At last.
There are people that are meant for you, and people that are not.
You can attempt to change. To lessen yourself. Quieten yourself, water yourself down to make these people more comfortable.
You will come away from these encounters feeling awful. Wondering what is wrong with you and why you still don’t feel like you fit in. You will lose the self that you have spent all this time learning to love. That uneasy feeling will grow and it will eat you alive.
Or, you can listen to the gentle nudges your inner self is giving you. The nudges that are quietly saying “hey beautiful girl, this isn’t right for you. This isn’t where you belong. This isn’t who you want to be.”
Not fitting in doesn’t mean there is something wrong with you – or the people you’re not fitting in with. It means you’re different.
Embrace those differences. Those are the things that make you unique.
Let yourself be you. Wholly and completely. The people that are right for you will be attracted to that. The connection will be real – easy. Those people are the ones that will understand who and what you are and will be there to remind you when you begin to lose sight of that. The people you surround yourself with have the incredible power to change your life.
It will still hurt when you run into the inevitable speed bumps, like I have. It’s human nature to crave a sense of belonging, to feel like we’re a part of something. It still stings to know that I tried, and failed to be a part of this circle.
When these bumps pop up, put the breakdown on hold and take a quick stock take. Of all of the people in your life that you do fit with, without effort.
The ones that love you unconditionally regardless of how loud your laugh is, or how honest you are, or how weird your sense of humour can be, and remind you often.
The people who truly believe that your flaws are not flaws at all, but the characteristics that make you, you and they love them, as much as they do your easier to love parts.
Refocus on them.
Do everything you can to surround yourself with people that make you happy, that support you on this crazy life journey. People that build you up, (but put you in your place when you need it). The people that give you that sense of belonging.
Limit your time with those who don’t, as much as possible. Life is too short for too many hours crying, and thunderstorm bath bombs should only be needed to add magic to actual thunderstorms – with the crackle of your favourite scented candles, champagne and some soft country music.