Today I am “Going Back to Work Mum” and as I sat on the train at 6.52am this morning, after leaving B to get the mini’s ready for school and daycare drop off, I marvelled at how quickly life changes – how quickly the past 18 months have gone and I wondered for a while if I had done enough.
Had I listened intently enough to Alex’s stories about his days as he walked in the door? His days will be a little longer now and he might not remember all the tiny details to relay back to me.
Did I play enough songs to Cooper? Did I give enough cuddles? Did I appreciate every first I was around for? I may not be the one to see his firsts anymore.
Had I ‘mum-d’ well enough to make up for all the time I won’t be around for anymore.
A little tear dropped from my eye before I realised I had.
Some days were better than others for sure. Some days I revelled in the enriching glory that is stay at home mum life, and some days I cried and counted down the minutes until bedtime.
Some days we played all day, and some days I prayed for another 10 minutes of chilled out baby so that I could get the last of my chores done in 3 different places.
Some days the dishes piled up and we had snack dinners, and some days we baked cookies and muffins for lunch boxes and ended up with flour on our noses.
Some days we played in the park for hours on end and I drank coffee in the sunshine and appreciated how lucky I was, and some days we were stuck inside all day and I couldn’t muster the motivation to get out of my pyjamas.
But. Every single day, I told all of the wild children in my home how much I loved them.
Every single day, I went to bed and thought about all the moments I hadn’t been amazing in, and how I could manage them better tomorrow.
Every single day, I counted my lucky stars that I had a partner as wonderfully supportive as I do, and the ability to be at home for them was one I never took for granted.
While I hated the ‘housekeeping’ aspect of stay at home life, I loved the mum aspect and I made sure to take a step back every now and then and take all of it in because I knew this day would come. The day I would be ‘going back to work mum’.
Today I had an incredible first day at work. I was offered my dream job and took it, along with the opportunity to work with and learn from two people I consider the best in the business.
Having a job that I love, thats willing to be flexible to fit their role around me in order to have me there, means that I can provide a better life for these little guys. It means that I can say yes a little more often without worrying about how to fit that into the budget, and it means that I can spend some of my days doing something that’s just for me. Building a career that I can be proud of – after we’ve built a home that we’re proud of.
After work each day, I’ll still be there to let them know how much I love them. I’ll still go to bed every night and think about how I can make tomorrow better for them. How I can make sure I’m better for them.
Tonight, I collected a very exhausted but happy and content little Cooper from daycare, and tomorrow I’ll collect Alex from after school care and I just know that it won’t be long before he looks forward to it as much as he looks forward to school.
Whenever I’ve doubted any choices I’ve made along the way, my own mothers wise words come to mind. “Do what makes you happy. When you’re happy, they will be happy.”
When you’re feeling good, taking care of yourself, remembering to take some deep breaths and patting yourself on the back for your good days, you’re able to pour from a full cup of love and that can only ever be a good thing.
I think that sometimes as mums, we could do with being as proud of ourselves as we are hard on ourselves.
Being a mother isn’t always easy. It isn’t always wonderful, fulfilling or magical – and yet, we still get up each day and smile from ear to ear the second those little monkeys do. And, we spend the rest of our lives trying to make sure we see those smiles as often as possible.
Today, I’m proud of the mother I’ve become, when I look back to the early days with Alex, this is a place I truly never thought I’d find myself.
I’m far from perfect, and I have days filled with guilt and days that I spend in tears more than not worrying about whether I’m good enough – but it’s because I only want the best for those little critters. That’s the life I signed up for and I wouldn’t change a thing about it.
I know this is meant to be Motivational Monday and I’ve turned it into a looking back at how far I’ve come story time, and skipped out on the motivation for another week in a row – but today was a big day for me. Professionally, mentally and emotionally – I wanted to share that.
Today was a good day.
I hope yours was wonderful too.