Life as a grown up is hard. Even being allowed to eat cake for breakfast whenever you want doesn’t make up for all the TERRIBLE THINGS NO ONE WARNED YOU GROWING UP BROUGHT WITH IT.
Some days, while I’m working through all of the mundane duties that come with being a responsible adult, I fantasise about all the ways that the very minor inconveniences in my life could be solved, with one (usually) simple, genius invention or service.
Here are a few at the top of todays list.
– Before my glasses days, eyelash extensions were my luxury. Now, they tap against the lenses and my only option for daily glam is mascara. I need this glorious invention. But I also need results faster. One swipe and I should look like I’m a walking Daddy Long Legs Pants Catalogue. 6am is not the time for the INTENSE MANUAL LABOUR that my current brand requires.
– A washing machine/dryer combo that quietly gets on with the washing, and then the drying but then, folds it all and PUTS IT THE HECK AWAY. My dirty washing piles can get out of control but I can’t even explain to you how the clean ones get even worse.
– A supermarket service where the groceries are not only purchased and delivered as and when I need the things, but also unpacked and beautifully placed in my cupboards because unpacking groceries doesn’t seem like something that should bother me, but IT DOES.
– A machine that lifts the mattress up ever so slightly off the base of the bed but also sort of bends the corners in so that you can easily place the fitted sheets on and then clap, and they straighten up so you can put the rest of the bedding on. Tuck in what you need to, (with minimal effort because there is just the perfect amount of space to tuck and have it stay, without it being right the way heavily down and hard on your aching back) and clap! The perfectly made mattress slides back down. I should invent this.
Engineers, if you’re reading this. Call me. Humanity needs us.
– An alarm that sounds REALLY LOUDLY and flashes red lights if the boy children in my house go to leave the bathroom without putting the toilet seat down or cleaning up the puddles of wee that inevitably end up on my floor to step in, in my socks later.
Aiming is hard, I get it, BUT THEN SIT THE DAMN HECK DOWN.
– Seasonal automatic new toothbrush deliveries. Just direct debit the funds. I always forget and yah gurl needs a new toothbrush regularly!
– A pillow that gives you that head massage that hairdressers give you when they’re washing your hair that makes you feel like you’re in actual heaven.
– This one is a big one. I need Siri, or Google Assistant, or whoever owns that really nice lady voice that talks to me when I hold down the home button a little too long on my phone, to call and make my doctors appointments so I don’t have to talk to anyone on the phone. Or my dentist ones. Like my mum used to before she began to SELFISHLY neglect me and my appointment making needs. (Kidding, my mum is amazing. But for real though. Can she cut this “you are a strong independent woman, you can make your own appointments” thing out. I NEED HELP.)
– A wipe that intuitively flies over and gently removes your makeup after you’ve collapsed in bed and realised you’ve forgotten but can’t bear to get back up.
– On that note. You know after you’ve gone to bed, and you’re all comfy and warm and delightfully relaxed, and then you hear banging because someone has left a window open somewhere and a door only slightly ajar so the wind catches it and bangs it open and closed every so often but you CANNOT GET UP AGAIN? Yeah. A way to fix that remotely would be excellent.
– Something that takes all of the occurrences of the day into account and selects a dinner for you. Like, Baby Girl, today’s been tough. Let’s have cheesy pasta for dinner paired with this delightfully fresh 2018 Riesling from the south island of New Zealand! Or, look how many steps you did today! And how refreshing this weather is! Let’s have that chicken salad you love! Here is the list of things you need to pick up before you get on the train.
I don’t ask for much 💁 Just these very minor tweaks and life would be PERFECT! Heh.
Thank you for letting me get out all of my fantasies while I procrastinate going to deal with a clean washing pile that I promised myself (and B) that I would attend to before I fall asleep by probably 8pm tonight after what felt like the longest work day of life.