Ambitious is one of the words I’m proud to use to describe myself, but lately I’ve been feeling a little lost. Not because I can’t see how far I’ve come, or how much I’ve achieved, but because I’m not really sure what I want my next step to be and it’s not a place I’ve ever found myself in before.
I’ve always set goals, I’ve always liked to know what I’m working towards, I’ve always tried hard to celebrate my small successes and then somewhere along the way, I lost my way somehow.
It’s been easy to see, in my writing, in how I’ve been holding myself and in how many times my hair has changed colour recently.
I can’t work out if I stopped loving myself when I stopped knowing what I wanted, or if I stopped knowing what I wanted when I stopped loving myself, but something’s got to give.
Anxiety has been running rife and it’s something I’m still working out how to get under control.
I know all the logical things, but anxiety takes all logic, throws it out the window and replaces it with screaming voices ready and waiting to tell you you’re not good enough. Not achieving enough. Not managing well enough. Not doing a good enough job as a mother.
I don’t like the person it’s turning me into.
Second guessing every one of my decisions.
Agonising over every step I take.
Spiralling relentlessly over the smallest of things. Ones I have absolutely no control over.
I don’t want to hate myself when I look in the mirror anymore.
I want to love what I see. I want to love who I am. I want to be proud of who and what I am and be able to celebrate that without hesitation.
I know it’s a little late in the year for a new years resolution, but.. I’ve never been one to do things when other people do them so, here, at the very end of April, is my new years resolution.
This year I am going to take some time to focus on me again.
I don’t want to be one of those people who is never happy with anything that they have, no matter how much that is – no matter how easy life flows, no matter how many accomplishments they have under their belts.
At the moment, I feel like I’m on my way there and it’s time for a change.
In my current state of mind, I could win $12million and achieve all of my wildest and most expensive dreams, pay to study all the things I’ve always wanted to learn, visit all the places I’ve always wanted to visit and I’m still not sure I’d feel content.
I’d still feel I’m not good enough, like I don’t deserve to be happy, like I haven’t done enough, like I’m not enough.
Because I don’t love myself.
So, I’m taking some time off being ambitious.
Taking some time off setting any new goals.
Taking some time off working towards anything but becoming Dee again.
Instead I’ll be focussing on the love that I’m so lucky to be surrounded by.
I’ll be focussing on the little sparks of joy in every single day.
I’ll be focussing on the sound of my beautiful husbands laugh.
The sound of the kids walking around SO LOUDLY SO EARLY IN THE MORNING, because it means they’re there.
That we’re all together.
That my home is filled with energy and no matter how many eye rolls I give, I wouldn’t have it any other way.
I’m slowly realising that life isn’t about having one epiphany that solves all your problems.
It’s working to remind yourself of those realisations, of those lessons, of those breakthroughs over and over again.
Scribbling them onto every mirror in the house, writing them out daily if that is what it takes.
It’s working relentlessly until our brains go there automatically instead of that place of crazy.
That place is lonely. It’s isolating. It’s cold and I don’t want to live there anymore.
So if you need me, I’ll be here. Working out who ‘me’ is.
Working on remembering what I’m passionate about. On what excites me.
Consciously being grateful for all that I am right now, exactly as I am and where I am.