I have considered giving up a fair few times over the past 9 months.
I really struggled to settle into this new role, this new career, this new way of life.
They warned me when I started that I would hate my life every single day for about 6 months but that one day after that, I would feel everything just click. I didn’t believe them – 6 months seemed extreme, but they were right.
I still hate some days but now at least, I quite love some too.
There is still a long road ahead, but I’ve made it this far and I’m so damn proud of that.
There were so. many. days I’d lay sobbing on the floor and even though I very dramatically asked B on a regular basis why I couldn’t just give up, I already knew the answer.
I knew my why.
My why was me.
I needed to prove to myself that I could do this.
My why was my boys, all 3 of them, and the beautiful little girl that I inherited when I married B.
So that I could give them a life that they deserve, but also, so that they could see that it’s never too late in life to decide that you want something and fight every single day to get it. (Even when that fight seems never ending and you feel like your whole life has become a muddy trench…..)
I’m glad they have seen me struggle. I’m glad they’ve watched me cry and express feeling defeated, because they then saw me get right back up the next day, put a cute blouse on and get right back into it until slowly things began to get easier.
They’ve been able to watch that journey.
They’ve been able to see that no matter how far down the track you get, some days are hard. Some stages of life are hard. They’ve seen that it doesn’t matter how many times you fall down, as long as you get right back up and keep trying.
I needed the beautiful baby girl that I’ve inherited, to see that she can be a mum and have a career if that’s what she wants.
That it doesn’t matter what your circumstances are, you can have dreams, and you can achieve them.
My why was all those people throughout my life that told me I’d never be successful.
The ones that told me that young mums never make anything of themselves.
The ones that told me that I’d never own my own home.
The ones that told me I’d never amount to anything worthy because I’m too soft, I cry too easily.
For a while, I let their voices became my own voices of doubt. Until I stopped letting them pull me down, and started using them to push me forward. Using them as motivation to push through when I’m struggling.
To prove to terrified 22 year old me that we always had this.
They were never going to be right.
My hard work has paid off.
Christmas 2018, B and I got a Christmas tree. It was a fake tree, but it was big, full and snow tipped.
Not only that, while we were out, we also got glass decorations. One for each one of the kids. One that represented each of their personalities. One that each of them can put up every year and then one day take into their own homes and put on their own Christmas trees with their own families.
This was the first year ever, for both of us, that we were able to have a proper Christmas tree up, with beautiful festive decorations and gifts we were able to put thought into and save up for, for each of the children.
Tears welled in both our eyes the day that tree went up.
Each of our tears representative of our own struggles getting to this point, but also the joy in all of the steps that finally brought us all together and to that moment.
All of the hard times we’ve endured even in our few short years together.
The whole season, we looked over at our festive corner of the lounge and saw a beautiful, sparkly, snow tipped representation of our growth, our progress, a dazzling emblem of love, foundations and the beginning of some new family traditions for us all.
Figuring out your why is so important.
That why, whether it’s something you’re working towards, something you’re working for, someone you’re working hard not to become.
That thing will be the reason you get out of bed when you’re feeling groggy and can’t bear to go on.
It’ll be the reason you keep getting back up no matter how many times you get knocked down.
It’ll be the reason you are so busy working on yourself that you don’t have time to look around at what others are doing and get lost in the hole of comparison and envy.
It’ll be the reason you make it.
It’ll be the reason you achieve your goals.
Reach your destination.
Become the best person you can be.
Find it, hold onto it. Work your little booty off and don’t stop until you’re proud.